Alex Cantatore
The Chrysler Building. Sears Tower. The Transamerica Building. Disneyland.
It’s a time-honored American tradition to name developments after those who fund them. And I have absolutely no problem with the practice; it simply makes sense to honor those who have invested their time and money to make our world a better place.
I mean, heck, I know when I was building a treehouse at age 8 the first thing up the tree was a sign reading “Alex’s Treehouse.” Of course, the S’s were backwards, but that’s neither here nor there.
The one thing I don’t understand is why government agencies don’t embrace this practice of naming expensive public works projects after their benefactors. I mean, sure, it’d be a touch difficult to squeeze 1,000 taxpayers’ names on an exit ramp’s sign, but the government has already accepted the practice of naming roads and interchanges after fallen officers and notable legislators.
While I respect the work of our lawmakers in navigating the circuitous workings of government to bring home the money that we should be rightfully entitled to in the first place, I don’t really want to be reminded of it every time I miss the exit for Highway 237, or nearly get killed at the MacArthur Maze. And as much as I honor fallen law enforcement officials, I really don’t think anyone is doing them a favor by naming a stretch of road cursed by thousands daily “Officer Soandso Memorial Freeway.”
Instead, I think our cash-strapped local governments should embrace the tactics used by sports teams whose stadiums were in need of a makeover. I’m sure we all remember the San Jose Arena and the Oakland Arena, but does anyone mind that they’re now called HP Pavilion at San Jose and Oracle Arena? And, perhaps more importantly, does anyone mind the beautified ballfields that were made possible by this simple name change?
I’m sure Taco Bell would kick in a few dollars to have the local wastewater treatment plant named after them. Or, perhaps we could convince Ruffles Potato Chips to sponsor Canal Drive. After all, it has ridges.
Just think, next time you have to drive over the Bay Bridge, you could be crossing the eBay Bridge instead! And it would actually be finished - using parts bought from “bestseller4u” in Hong Kong, perhaps, but he swears they’re authentic and he has 90 percent positive feedback, so it’s probably okay.
Advertisers nationwide are becoming aware of these unique new advertising opportunities, including KFC, which I still longingly refer to by its pre-acronymed name, Kentucky Fried Chicken. The chain has sent off a letter to mayors around the nation offering to repair potholes for free - with the caveat that “Re-Freshed by KFC” is spray painted on top of each patch.
Mind you, that last sentence said “potholes” not “pot pies.”
Now, I know KFC has long done chicken right - if by “right” you mean greasy and partially uncooked - but doing potholes right? This is certainly a new venture for the Colonel from Kentucky.
It’s all a part of their new “Fresh Tastes Best” campaign, and it seems like a good idea to me. Turlock is already crowded with billboards and signs, so what’s a stencil or two on fresh pavement? I’d rather KFC spend its advertising money on improving local streets than annoying 30-second commercials that I’m just going to TiVo through anyway.
Surprisingly, the City of Chicago already turned down KFC’s offer, citing a regulation that prevents printing or advertising on a city street or sidewalk. Louisville, Ky., has taken the Colonel up on his offer, however, and based on the scant few pictures online, the city’s roads look a bit better.
While the City of Turlock has yet to sign on for KFC’s pothole program, the City has already taken the first step to embrace this strange new world of corporate sponsorship of public entities. When it was revealed the city budget didn’t have enough funds to keep the pools open all summer, Interim City Manager Gary Hampton announced that the City would be looking to a corporate donor to keep kids swimming.
And if Columbia Pool becomes Leslie’s Pool Supply Pool at Columbia Park, I would be completely fine with that. It improves my swimming experience at the cost of a mouthful of a name and a little more advertising to endure - a drop in the bucket compared to the approximately 3,000 advertising messages the average American is exposed to each day, according to the Union of Concerned Scientists.
Speaking of corporate sponsorship, in the spirit of the “Hail to the Cheese Stephen Colbert’s Nacho Cheese Doritos 2008 Presidential Campaign Coverage,” I’ve decided to seek a supporter for my weekly columns. Henceforth, this space shall be known as the Breath of Fresh Air Alex Cantatore Column, brought to you by Altoids.
Why else did you think my writing was so curiously strong today?
If you work for Altoids and would like to send a check to Alex Cantatore, e-mail acantatore@turlockjournal.com or call 634-9141 ext. 2005.
Originally published in the Turlock Journal 4/4/2009.
Retrieved from the Turlock Journal Web site.