This is, without a doubt, my least favorite time of the year.

And, believe it or not, it has nothing to do with the mercury inching up into the triple digits on my comically large thermometer. I like to think that our sweltering summer days just give me another excuse to take a swim, light up the barbecue, or throw on those short-shorts that, most unfortunately, are not considered “workplace appropriate.”

But I’d rather not bring up that regrettable incident for my co-workers once again.

You see, my mid-May doldrums are easily explained without resorting to tales of Target clearance racks or “The Weather Channel.”

It just takes one look at my face - and one look at my TiVo - to see that we both, quite suddenly, are empty.

What gives these big-shot TV executives the nerve to put my shows on summer vacation?

They aren’t in high school, Mr. Bigwig. They don’t need to spend three months working so they have enough pocket change to throw that awesome back-to-school kegger, bro.

These are multi-million dollar ventures that draw in huge audiences every time they air. Don’t you want to make money?

I mean, I know the ad market isn’t doing so great right now, but, really, I’m sure that annoying Travelocity gnome could give his friend Mr. Leprechaun a call to talk him into dipping into that pot of gold and ponying up for a few more episodes of “The Amazing Race.”

Heck, they might even throw in a leg of the race set in Ireland, just in Mr. Leprechaun’s honor. As a roadblock, the contestants would have to stack bars of Irish Spring soap while eating Lucky Charms, drinking Jameson’s Irish Whiskey, and avoiding rampaging soccer hooligans.

Whatever Mr. Leprechaun wants - as long as there are a gratuitous amount of on-screen redheads. I’m still bummed about the cheerleaders losing this year.

And speaking of losing, what about “Lost,” Mr. Bigwig?

You’re telling me that I have to wait a whole eight months to find out what happened with Juliet the time traveler and the nuclear weapon in the Swan Station? And what about Jacob’s enemy, do you think he’s the Smoke Monster? Are Locke and Christian the Smoke Monster too? And how does this all tie back to Adam and Eve, the skeletons they found back in Season 1?

If you don’t understand a word of that last paragraph, don’t worry; I don’t either. “Lost” has gotten ridiculously complicated this year.

But that doesn’t mean my life is better off without “Lost,” or that I don’t want to know how the show ends after all this time. After all, I’ve spent five years watching this show.

If you add up the episodes, it’s been almost three days of my life (That’s 103 40-minute episodes, fellow Losties). But I don’t consider a minute of it to be lost time.

Heck, I’ve spent more time with “Lost” than I did with most of my ex-girlfriends. Which probably explains why they’re all “ex”-girlfriends, but regardless.

Without “Lost,” I’m lost. Sans “Amazing Race,” my life feels quite ordinary. With no “Dollhouse,” well, it just seems like there’s no point in getting all dolled up anymore.

Oh, sidebar, did you hear Fox actually ordered another season of “Dollhouse,” the exceptional yet poorly rated new Joss Whedon show about people who can be reprogrammed with new personalities and memories to become underdressed jewel thieves, slinky secret operatives, or scantily clad courtesans? I know, it’s amazing, there’s a Mr. Bigwig with his head screwed on correctly.

Unless… Nah, I don’t think the Dollhouse could have reprogrammed the Fox CEO. He was still wearing a somewhat-hideous suit last time I saw him on TV.

I mean, the Dollhouse isn’t real… Is it? Has FBI Agent Paul Ballard been right all this time?

I guess I won’t know until this fall. Which means I’ve got to find a way to get through this summer. And, most unfortunately, I’ll probably have to watch some sub-par shows to do it.

The surprisingly entertaining “Harper’s Island” should get me through at least seven weeks (and seven gruesome murders, much to my co-worker Sabra Stafford’s delight) before things come to a close there. And I’ve still got a few episodes of “The Ultimate Fighter” left before Michael “The Count” Bisping and Dan “Hendo” Henderson square off at UFC 100-a rare blood-stained summer highlight.

After those two come to a close… Well, I suppose I’ve got no choice but to watch the USA Network summer shows.

Sure, “Burn Notice’s” ex-spy Michael Weston is always good for 40 minutes of mindless fun as he reluctantly accepts a job, tries to solve it a first time “the easy way,” eats some yogurt, finds out that the bad guys are actually some serious dudes, flirts awkwardly with Fie, stages an elaborate con to outsmart the bad guys, and then gets 30 seconds worth of new information about who burned him in the first place.

It’s just that it’s the same 40-minutes of fun every week. I really think they only filmed five episodes of that show.

Yet, somehow, “Burn Notice” was the top-rated cable show last summer. Just because nothing else was on.

Now that I think about it, this could be a long summer. Do you think the Dollhouse takes interns?

To contact Alex Cantatore, preferably with recommendations of TV on DVD he should watch, e-mail acantatore@turlockjournal.com or call 634-9141 ext. 2005.

Originally published in the Turlock Journal 5/19/2009.
Retrieved from the Turlock Journal Web site.